All these things that I've done

There is still so much I have to learn. It’s funny acknowledging that mostly because it’s such an obvious concept that still feels so novel. Maybe some part of me believes I should be getting it by now, catching on quicker. Not so. Accepting this does not allude to my believing my efforts were made in vain. Maybe knowing that you still have so much further to go is proof of how far you’ve already come. 

If I can practice seeing things from just my side of the world, knowing my intentions, I can feel proud of my actions and reactions. One thing I have always struggled with is spending too much time worried about how I have come across to others and whether or not my intentions were clear, practically obsessed with clearing my name. While it took some time to get it, I realize the actions I felt so intensely about committing were the ones that were unnecessary in the end. There is some Dr. Seuss quote from the Lorax (I think) and it goes something like, “the ones that care, don’t matter and the ones that matter won’t care.” For me, that meant I had been spending so much time for issues that could have easily been water under the bridge if had just let them be. Not only that, but I was giving so much attention and care to the wrong people. It sounds so very wrong but I am practicing seeing things from my perspective, keeping my hands clean and making apologies where necessary but otherwise, letting it go. If I have to look at the world through a pinhole in order to see what’s important, I will. I’ve had it backwards for so long, trying to soak in, see and understand everything. It will never work. I am practicing achieving that perfect balance between confidence and pride with vulnerability and humility. I’ve learned the importance of putting up walls and how doing so can be a good thing. I’ve torn down too many for the wrong reasons. It feels very affirming to recognize that I can dictate who and what I want around me and if I don’t want something to exist for me, it doesn’t have to. Again, I’m shocked by how commonplace yet novel this concept is to me.

Another thing I have learned is the power of my own mind. As often as I’ll allow it, it’s my worst enemy. It goes into overdrive and tells me all the wrong things on a film reel that takes every effort to shut off. It also has the power to unlock every truth I have tucked away, unearthing itself at just the right moment- which is often much later than I would have preferred. While equally powerful, it can be the most difficult to harness. But I’m working on it. Learning to be comfortable with being uncomfortable has been one of my biggest feats. I have a giant urge to laugh at how ridiculously hard I have tried to make things feel good that didn’t need to, and that just letting them be there was actually the key to feeling good.