My mom asked me to compile a Birthday/Christmas wish list the other day. Given that I have been for months now, constantly with calculator in tow to the grocery store, not even dreaming about purchasing something off the list, let alone something just for pleasure, my reaction was much different that I thought it would be. I figured I would be chomping at the bit to have a little bit of luxury. Something I just "wanted," not "needed." A treat, something that made me feel good about myself and how hard I've worked.
Initially, I was. I became gradually more and more excited, listing the links to articles of clothing or make up that I had been longing to treat myself too. This was unprecedentedly followed by stress. The stress of wanting to choose all the right things because God only knows when such an opportunity would arise again where I could receive something special without feeling guilty or like the other person shouldn't have. To be honest, even compiling a list felt gluttonous. All of the thoughts started evolving in my head and I started processing...I was giving all of these items so much importance, but really, what were they going to do for me?
In most cases, saying I am currently "going without" a few things might be an exaggeration in comparison to what other people in the world endure. Although for myself and what I have been accustomed to, (what most people are accustomed to, I would imagine) I am struggling. Technically I have nothing more than a small amount in investments and a Roth IRA, a car that is almost mine, a lap top that is almost mine, and some quarters in my laundry cup. The stress of managing can be exhausting. However, when given the chance to be the recipient of a few lovely but unnecessary items I started to feel panic to make sure I chose wisely, knowing I could not currently provide even small luxuries for myself. But then I realized how unimportant these "things" were. That I have changed. That I don't need them. That I've seen another side. And while I would love to live more comfortably and with less financial stress, I hope not to lose my connection to real experiences that cannot be bought...or worn. That I never forget what I have seen when there was nothing blocking my line of vision. All of the beautiful days I've had and will remember that cost nothing but meant everything. No new outfit or pair of shoes can do that...
I am working toward changing my financial future little by little but in the meantime, I am thankful for what I have gotten abundantly in return...appreciation and thankfulness... for what I do have. It is amazing, that when given the choice, it is the experiences, the memories, the feelings and emotions you have during them that matter so much more and last so much longer than "things." I am healthy, I am safe, I have a family and people that love me in my life. I am blessed. Christmas came early.
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