To be or not to be...

What is the function of anxiety? I imagine it is supposed to ignite some sort of cautionary response, fight or flight, do or don't. But what if there is nothing you can do? Right now, anyway.

My emotions have self diagnosed multiple personality disorder. Part of me- well most of me...thanks to genetics... feels like if I don't engage in time worrying, I am not working toward changing the problem or finding a solution. Like a constant brainstorm is what it will take to figure it all out. And thinking about it constantly will manifest the problem into something tangible I can morph in my hands like clay. Clearly this is not a proven method but I seem to be addicted to it.

The other part of me- much smaller, but scrappy- doesn't get it. The world is her oyster. (I'll talk about her in 3rd person because, although I like her, I don't know her that well...) She wants to know why anyone would waste time being miserable. There is time for that later. Carpe Diem!

Both sides make some degree of sense and I suppose would not be able to exist without the other. Despite my compulsive anxiety, every now and again I feel a sense of ease (slightly short lived, but present.) I imagine it comes from the realization that "I've come this far..." fill in the blank. My go-to is "and you're still making it...." or "and the world didn't blow up." Slowly but surely my tunnel vision on what life should look like is widening. At this point I don't even pray for consistency or solidarity, how about just some movement? All options are game. I assume it will all come to me when the time is right. Either something will happen or it won't and I'll reevaluate from there. Right?! Many people I've talked to think I am crazy for anticipating more action, and that it is still too soon to panic. (Ahhh panicking...another well practiced skill of mine...) As far as panicking goes I always assumed it was better sooner than later...keeps you on your toes...

To everything there is a season! So maybe it is time to let my neuroticism and perpetual anxiety take the back seat. There doesn't seem to be any proof in that pudding. Although I don't think I could ever totally avoid it, I can consciously choose to play the part I asked for. Maybe it is true. Maybe you do find what you are looking for as soon as you stop trying to find it. Now is the time I have to try to enjoy the cards I have been dealt. This dealer is no random figure and these cards were no coincidence. They were given to me for a reason.